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Comments regarding "Four years and counting...is it time to move on?".
 Four years and counting...is it time to move on? Message #58
Please forgive me, this is going to be long.  I just need to get this off of my chest.  Any advice that would bring clarity would be so much appreciated.

I have a loving 12-year old daughter.  About six years ago, her dad and I separated.  The split was amicable and we share custody. I spent the next few years healing and getting in touch with the self that I had buried, and eventually began thinking of what I wanted in my next relationship.

I fell head over heels in love with a man four years ago.  About a month after we met, he told me was married but that he and his wife had decided to end their marriage a few months before we met.  Though we hadn't been intimate, I was shocked and disappointed.  I offered to stay in touch here and there until he was officially separated from his wife and out of the house.  We fought about it quite a bit, I vascillated quite a lot, and to this day, I sometimes regret that I didn't stand my ground.  I was taken aback by his anger and, because I liked him so much, I agreed to move forward with the relationship and tried to make the best of the situation.   He swears he wasn't unfaithful by being with me and I believe him (about 95%) though I had an extremely difficult time dealing with it. He moved out about eight months later and divorced a year after that.

Shortly after we met, he wanted my then 8-year old daughter and I to meet him and his youngest (9 year old) daughter for an evening out.  I told him I didn't feel comfortable because he was still living with her mother and I thought it would cause confusion and resentment.  He got angry and accused me of trying to tell him how he should raise his children (he has two adult daughters from his first marriage; a teenage son and his youngest daughter from his second marriage).  Again, I backed off.  The four of us met on a  few occasions until his wife told him that she didn't feel comfortable with he and their daughter spending time with me and mine while he was still living in the house.  I was relieved but at the same time upset that he didn't listen to me when I voiced my misgivings.  

It wasn't until year three when he really started to include me in family activities with any of his children.  Until that time, I felt excluded and that our lives were compartmentalized.  This too, was the cause of many fights.

Also in the first few months of our relationship, problems with his son started to escalate.  He found out that his 14-year old son, who was failing in school and had angry, violent outbursts, had been using Meth and other drugs.  These problems existed before we met, but came to light shortly thereafter.  In addition, I slowly began to realize that I was in a verbally abusive situation.  Needless to say, there was much pain, turmoil and upheaval in the first few years of our relationship.  However, after a lot of drama and effort (and 5 rehabs for his son and therapy for us), things seem to have settled down.

His son is now 18 and lives with him full-time.  Though he doesn't work and is not showing any signs of being able to live independently, his behavior has improved immensely and he doesn't appear to be using (drugs) to the extent that he was previously.  The youngest daughter (now 13)lives with her mother and sees my boyfriend every other weekend or so, but being very driven, she has a busy schedule which keeps them from seeing each other on a regular basis.

Recently, my boyfriend said he'd like to talk about making a plan to live together in 1 1/2 to 2 years from now.  I was surprised at the amount of resentment and frustration that welled up inside me.  I wanted a healthy relationship and home environment for my daughter and I.  I had wanted to make a life with someone; to make a new family with a man I loved.  I told him from the beginning what I was looking for in a relationship.   I know it's irrational, but I am so angry that it has taken four years to get to this point, and that it has been so painful.

I feel that I have waited and waited...for him to move out, to get divorced, to have enough time after the divorce to deal with the emotional issues in his marriage, to have enough time for his two younger children to adjust to the new living situation... Now, I'm looking at waiting another 1 1/2 to 2 years for something that may or may not happen.  I'm angry at myself for waiting, for not being clear and focused on my own and my daughter's well being and failing to act in our best interest.

I told him about my frustration and resentment, and that I didn't want to talk about making a plan to live together in a year and a half when we have no idea what shape his son will be in. I have no reason to believe that his son will be ready to live on his own by that time.  To this day, my boyfriend hides his cash and valuables so that his son won't steal them; it's clear that his son cannot live with  my daughter and I.  

Even if we are able to take the next step to live together, what will my life be like?  I don't know if I'll ever feel completely safe because of the past verbal abuse, and I feel uncomfortable with some of his family dynamics.  

It seems that within each set of children from each marriage, there is a child who can do no wrong and a scapegoat, the oldest and youngest being the golden children.  Interestingly, they have been cold and rejecting (the youngest) and passive-aggressive and rude (the oldest) in their behavior towards me.  His youngest daughter has never warmed up to me to the extent that both my daughter and I feel uncomfortable in her company.  I understand why - she may feel that I caused the breakup, she may be jealous and feel that I'm taking her dad away from her (when he was married, he and his ex had a cold and contentious relationship but he was warmly affectionate and doting on his daughter).  I see her maybe once every four to six months at most. He spends the majority of his time with her one-on-one, or he will include his oldest daughter and the three of them will do dinner, movies, vacations and other activities together.  I feel a little crazy, because on the one hand I feel excluded and resentful, and on the other hand, I don't have any desire to be around her.  My boyfriend says that she won't necessarily always behave this way, but I see no indication that things will get better on their own. I reach out, but get the cold shoulder.

I can't help but wonder if she harbors resentment because she knew her dad and I had a relationship while he was still living with her mom.  She's too young to understand the emotional intracacies of living under the same roof with an estranged spouse while working out the logistics of splitting up.  I can't help but wonder...if he really fell in love with me and wanted to be with me, why didn't he want to make sure that things started off on the right foot?  Why did he push for a relationship with me even when I voiced my extreme discomfort, and why didn't he think about how the relationship would affect any future relationship I might have between his daughter and I?  I thought about all those things, and expressed them to him in the beginning of the relationship.  He got angry and defensive, and I gave in.  Now I regret it and wish I had been stronger.  I've since asked him those questions, but have not received an answer that I can fully comprehend.

As for the oldest daughter (she's 31), she has never warmed up to me either.  She makes underhanded remarks almost every time we meet and he has finally admitted that "there may be something" with his daughter's feelings toward me, based on her behavior.  When he and I met, he and and his oldest daughter had a very close relationship.   They were confidants and companions.  It seemed as though his daughter was the spouse and his wife was just another child.  The closeness of their relationship actually gave me the creeps.  It has since toned down, and he treats me as his partner and equal and has drawn some emotional boundaries with his daughter.  

I have a better, though still budding, relationship with his second daughter and his son.  Both were accepting of me from the beginning.  I reached out to them, and unlike the other children, they reached back.  His second daughter just recently said that she had never seen her dad happy before...until he met me.  Aside from being sweet and reassuring, it affirmed my belief that part of the reason why she accepted me was because she saw how her dad had changed and is a much happier person now.  I wish I could say the same for his oldest daughter.  My gut tells me over and over that she is jealous of the relationship that my boyfriend and I have.

Should I stay with a man that I love and care for, who loves me?  Yes, I want to make a life and family with a man that I love, but can I have the relationship and family life that I long for with this man?  I love and care for him.  We have each grown so much as a result of this relationship.  He has so many qualities that I had been looking for in a life partner, and it is clear that he loves me.

If I do stay, I believe he will continue to compartmentalize his life, leaving my daughter and I to spend time alone with his oldest and/or youngest daughters.  I understand they each need time alone with their dad, but will we ever be able to integrate and live as a family?  Will I be able to withstand the pain of the rejection and undercutting by his daughters?  I honestly don't see things changing for the better and based on conversations I've had with my boyfriend, I don't know how much support I'll have.  His second wife had a bad relationship with his two oldest daughters and she's the one who's been blamed for it entirely.  That could be my fate too. I understand that they are his children, so there's a bond for life.

I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings.  A part of me feels as if I've wasted the last four years getting caught up in this situation and wonders if I should get out now that the fog has cleared.  Another part of me believes that even the pain served a purpose and I'm a better person as a result.  I don't know if I'll find someone that has as many good qualities or is as compatible with me. I don't know if I should stay and continue to try to work things out, realizing that no situation is perfect and stepfamilies can be difficult and challenging at best.  Am I expecting too much, or settling for much less?


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Posted by mojopin  
Monday, November 09, 2009
07:47:09 EST
 
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