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Comments regarding "Too Hard to Stay, Too Good to Leave?".
 Too Hard to Stay, Too Good to Leave? Message #51
Wow, I can't believe I am doing this, but I feel like it is time to start looking for help.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have a 6 year old son. I am 35 and she is 36. Before we got married we dated for 4 years. So as you can see we both have significant portions of our lives tied up in this relationship.

We fight all the time, don't communicate anymore, haven't had intimate relations more than twice in the last year. We have just started to see a marriage counselor and have been able to recognize some things to help our relationship, but as we are learning those things, a lot of pain is also coming out. My wife has an eating disorder, refuses to let me see her naked, and doesn't share things with me anymore. I on the other hand feel like since we can't communicate, I don't feel intimate. There is so much built up resentment toward each other I am not sure we can make it through the tangled web.

Several people have told me that we shouldn't stay together just for our son because the life we are showing him isn't helping his own development. Don't get me wrong, we both love him more than anything, but I do worry that our fights end up hurting him too. We try not to do that in front of him, but it is very hard. The other part is that I fear we are showing him a relationship that is tolerable at best, horrible at worst. Is this what he thinks a relationship is supposed to be like? Unless you have children, you cannot understand how difficult it is to think of getting divorced when you are including a small child who doesn't understand what is happening.

Anyway, my point is that although we are now seeing a counselor, I don't know if I have enough energy to continue through the pain of trying to put this relationship back together. To most people on the outside, we look like a reasonably happy family, but here in this house, we are both very unhappy.

Should I keep trying to rebuild this thing, or should I just be done and start a new life?

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I would be happy to answer questions if you have any.

Thanks.


comments (1 so far)
Posted by aj_stpaul  
Sunday, May 31, 2009
13:10:18 EST
 
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 Not so cut'n dry # 78
This is a tough situation. I know because I was in a similar one with similar considerations. I left so that the kids won't see a bad marriage which becomes their blueprint for their own marriage. The harmony in the house indeed improved immediately, which benefited the kids. Not having their father near was difficult, especially for my son. Ideally, in your situation, you could create some physical distance, amicably, but stay living close to co-parent your son. My suggestion is that you both go see a mediator to work out the details of such a separation such as support issues. You could stay living very close to each other, but in different homes. If both of you agree that the current situation is intolerable, and both of you love your son, then you should be able to put your differences aside for long enough to work out a plan that provides some security for both of you while assuring frequent and continued and conflict free contact with your son. You will have time to reflect, and it may also let you both appreciate your little family again.


Posted by melanie  
Saturday, June 27, 2009
20:25:04 EST



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