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Comments regarding "Married to a controller and met a loving lady friend".
 Married to a controller and met a loving lady friend Message #14
I have been married 22 years to a woman who had always treated me like a child.  I have 2 children, ages 19 and 17.  My wife withholds access to money and transportation, refusing to allow me to check accounts, carry a credit card, or have a car.  She is very critical on a constant basis, of both large and small things.  When I switched employers, she harangued me for 5+ years, telling me to 'go back to my job' and that I was 'a bad provider', even though I make a 6 figure income.  My wife refuses to listen to what I say, and refuses to get advice or counseling from anyone.  She only keeps her own counsel.  I have looked at sites that describe 'emotional abuse' and 'excessive controlling behavior' and my situation fits these descriptions closely.  Our marriage is largely sexless, and there is little love left.  I really never matured as a person before getting married (I am 42 now) and there was not a lot of love in the first place.  There is none left in my heart now.  I think my wife and I both expected to split 'once the kids were grown' and had even talked of divorce.  This will be harder for her, as she has few friends, no career, etc, and resists my attempts to encourage her to make friends or go to school, claiming that she is 'too busy' or that 'she is just the maid'.  I am sure my behavior has not always been the best, I share fault, too, but in any case the relationship has not been healthy for a long time.  I have never had an affair, never abused her.  She is the only person in my life who ever has a problem with my behavior, and she has constant problems with it.  Neither of my sons has 'normal' relationships with girls, because I think they have viewed our relationships through the years and been affected.  My communication attempts with my wife about the problems always end in blame.  My wife has a very hostile relationship with my younger son, which has, at times, resulted in shouting and shoving, but this has subsided in recent months.  Our home has dents in the walls from these encounters.

I had resigned myself to a bad situation, even though I probably should addressed it years ago, but events of the past six months have brought it to a head.  A have become emotionally close with a lady, a single mom, aged 51, that I have known for a couple of years through the kid's school. The relationship is a very close friendship.  We describe each other as 'best friends' and talk about everything, though bashing my wife or complaining about my marriage is 'off limits'. My friend is a big supporter of my marriage and I support her other relationships.  It is not a secret relationship.  My wife knows as do my friends, but I can't say my wife is comfortable with it.   My friend and I are very affirming to each other, and yes, she meets emotional needs that have never been met in my marriage even from the start. I cannot fathom cutting myself off from my newfound emotional support to go back to the lonely hell of my marriage.  It is not a sexual relationship, but the attraction is present and is mutual. I have to admit, if it were possible, my friend and I would make a great couple.  Seeing how this interaction between my friend and I works has opened my eyes to just how much more there could be in a relationship.  It has 'rocked my world', so to speak, and brought me to this decision point.  Even if I did get out, it is not clear to me that my friend and I would get together, so I will not base my decision on that.  But, right now, she is available and I wonder if I should think about the timing, to lay hold of a possible great relationship, or at least keep the door open for it.

As far as the prognosis for my marriage, I don't think we can get far unless my wife agrees to confront the issues, but she hasn't.  I no longer put up with the verbal abuse - I tell her that, if she is going to communicate that way, I will not take it.  We just end up arguing and she blames me.  I told my son that if he were emotionally abused again, I would keep him safe and leave. At this point I really just want out.  I don't want to look back 20 years from now having stayed in a nasty relationship when something more is out there, whether with my friend or with another. I wrote letters to both my wife and my friend, to get my feelings out, and came to the conclusion that I really wanted an excuse to leave. I know, if I get out, I should take time to heal before embarking on another relationship.  I believe my friend would stay friends and wait for me while I did so, but who knows.  Maybe my friends role will be done as she has shown me what I am missing, even if my future is not with her.  My pastor acknowledges the extreme control issue and advises me to 'make my own decision' and says I am probably justified whatever I do.  

I have done extensive web searching, but have not really come across a situation similar to mine, which is why I decided to post it.


comments (3 so far)
Posted by Mark  
Friday, October 06, 2006
20:00:25 EST
 
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 It is what you make it # 21
I agree with what you just hinted at. You're a whiner and you're looking for a way out.

What do you mean your wife withholds access to money and transportation? Grow a back bone and stand up for yourself. I've never heard anything so ridiculous. You said you are making a six figure income - I'm sure the paychecks aren't coming in your wife's name.

Your marriage is where it is because you let it get that way.  Finding another "friend" to be emotionally close with is a cop out. Do you think your sons will have any better relationships with women after you shuffle off and divorce their mother for this other woman?

I don't believe you married someone you didn't love and always expected to divorce after your children were raised. Did she force you to marry her to?

Get some counselling.  I'd suggest for yourself first. Put some actual effort into your marriage.   That means cutting off contact with your single lady friend.  Shut this open door you are peering through. The grass is not greener.

I lived through what your sons' are going through right now.  Both you and your wife are leaving scars on the emotional well being of your children that will take years and years to heal.  


Posted by Lisa  
Friday, October 06, 2006
21:12:16 EST
 It's obvious right? # 22
It's pretty obvious to me that you want out and are just looking for support or confirmation that you are doing the right thing.  Otherwise, you would have had some positive things mixed in with the negative.  That being said, there's nothing wrong with looking for some support.

Being a total stranger removed from the situation, I would say that any one of the following would be enough to get out:

"My wife refuses to listen to what I say, and refuses to get advice or counseling from anyone.  "
"Our marriage is largely sexless, and there is little love left.  "
"There is none (love) left in my heart now.  "

Being emotionally involved and saying that "get out" is a lot more difficult, but it sounds like it's going to get to that eventually anyway, so why waste any more time?


Posted by destro  
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
17:29:40 EST
 22 Years .. It is your life # 38
MAN .. you had a great secure 22 years in a great family to raise these wonderful children (they are not a children any more ..)your wife is misdoubt of you .. you were wise for 22 years and now thinking it was bad .. What is bad is now not for 22 years .. Stop hurting you sweet family you love them you spend 22 years doing good don't spoil your life and their Stop this nice friend it is as poison in the milk ..feel with happiness for serving you family you used about their love for 22 years .. Mony goes and come and your wife wants you VERY MUCH and listen with the open heart not a mind always in change but she is tring some things you did not realize it to hold you in the heart of the family
MAN stay in this heart it is your life accepted and enjoy with it
(they are not a children any more ..let them respect you with keeping their life together)You are the Heart of yhis family and every one is living from you be happy for that it is a great given .. And Good bye for your friend how's destroing your life/family )
I had similar experiance.. Thank you


Posted by Sam  
Monday, January 22, 2007
19:40:51 EST



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