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Welcome to StayInOrGetOut.com, the free relationship counselling site.
Are you in a relationship and not sure if it is time to end it? Tell us your relationship situation and let others vote on whether you should Stay In or Get Out!
| advice please? | Message #63 |
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me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 2 years now but things have been awful for quite a large sum of the time. 6months in he bascially planned to cheat on me with his ex, and he told her that he wish he never met me and that he loved her. of course i found out through his text messages, by accident of course. i needed to send a message from his phone when he was asleep and imagine the suprise i stumbled upon...
i confronted him and he said sorry, not very convincingly, and i asked if he loved her and he said yes. i left and then a week later he said he never loved her. then stupidly i took him back because he said he was going to kill himself. then a couple of months later we got in a fight and out of the blue he said he did love her. and i said goodbye, but of course he claimed that he would top himself. i couldnt leave... he never does anything nice for me and didnt see me on my birthday because he wanted to play a game! he did nothing to make it up to me, and i didnt even see him until a week later. then he spent christmas ignoring me... but when were together its like none of that ever happened... im so pathetic i just let it go, everything he does. and sometimes im head over heels then sometimes i feel i have to leave him but i cant because he says he'll kill himself. god i love him so much but im just so miserable whenever im not with him, because i just feel all the pain he gave me. what should i do |
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Posted by sync Saturday, January 16, 2010 13:26:17 EST |
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Have your say! Should sync Stay In or Get Out of this relationship? |
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If you've been considering leaving your relationship but don't know what you should do. There's a brand new ebook we would like to recommend called "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" The book is written by relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins and is filled with hundreds powerful questions and insights that will help you make that difficult relationship decision. If you are considering whether to stay in or leave your present relationship, we feel this book will help you come to a more clear, conscious choice about whether to stay in or leave your relationship. For more information on this insightful new book, click here. |
| He refuses marriage, we have a 17month old, stay or leave? | Message #62 |
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We have been together for almost 3 years (broke up 2x before our daughter was born because he 'wasn't ready for a commitment'). He used to want to get married, but now says it's a waste of money and it means nothing these days-just a piece of paper. His parents went through a nasty divorce when he was younger, and has seen friends' marriages go down hill. He thinks we should just leave things as is, states: "can't I just promise to love and be with you forever?"
I, on the other hand, have always wanted to get married. I come from a family of long-lasting marriages. I feel that being married is more than 'just a piece of paper' and by him not wanting to marry me tells me he's waiting for something better to come along--when I tell him this, he says that's not true-he just doesn't want to get married. So, I'm not sure what to do. We both love each other (and have a 17 month old daughter together, and live together). Should I just give in and not get married or leave? ps. we have had some trust issues in the past (going both ways), which he claims has nothing to do with his decision of not wanting to get married....I'm 26 and he's 25 Thanks |
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Posted by romie Friday, January 15, 2010 02:56:06 EST |
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Have your say! Should romie Stay In or Get Out of this relationship? |
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| We love eachother but he cheats and lies | Message #61 |
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Here is my story.
Thank you for your time. We leave together for 2 years now. I stopped working at my job as soon as we moved to live together and started to help him in his two restaurants as a manager. I wasn’t getting played but he was paying all the bills, housing and my expenses. Six months ago we had a big fight. I told him that it’s over and went for a night to sleep at my neighbor friend. He said he loves and want only me. I needed time to think. I came back around 11 pm ( 4 hours later) to get a charger for my phone. What did I see? I see him and one of the waitresses sitting in a leaving a room. I asked him what’s going on, he said she is just a friend and came to help him in this stressing time. You know what I felt. I didn’t really mean to leave him, but wanted to give us time to remember how much we loved and cared for each other at the start. I didn’t sleep that night, for some reason I came back again can’t recall now, but it was morning. And that girl was sitting on that couch still, I went to the bedroom and found towels ; they had sex and without condoms. I wanted to die that moment, couldn’t believe my eyes. Ten days he was calling bagging me to come back saying it was nothing, but at that moment I knew he was cheating with her for over two weeks. I came back, he didn’t send her home saying he needs a waitress and can’t find any one else . It was more … Please help me ! What is your opinion I madly in love with him. And he loves me madly, but sometimes it looks like he has bipolar diesis. He becomes angry drinks and disrespects me. If I leave him now, I wouldn’t be able to afford my University, but if I stay I would need to except his cheating. Should I stay and finish school for another 2.5 years? Or leave and try to get a job with no proper education. I am 32. Thank you. |
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Posted by sdyry Friday, December 18, 2009 08:20:36 EST |
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Have your say! Should sdyry Stay In or Get Out of this relationship? |
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| about to be 9 months in 2 days... | Message #60 |
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So me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 9 months and i think i might love him, but i think its just about time to end it.
He says he loves me, yet he controls me. He made me stop smoking weed which is fine because yes it is bad, and illegal. He is currently telling me to stop smoking cigarettes which ive been doing long before i met him. He doesn't let me talk to any guys that are my friends because he gets jelous. Just today he told me that he went onto my myspace and saw that i wanted to hang out with a girl from my old job. I havne't seen her in a while and i just wanted to catch up on old times. And because he thinks she smokes weed, he says i dont need to talk to her. I told him that she doesn't (which is the truth) and he says it shouldn't matter because i shouldn't need to hang out with anyone but him. He constantly tells me that my free time needs to be spent with him, and if i say i want to hang out with my girl friends for the night, he says "i don't ever want to hang out with anyone but you, so you should be the same". I have broken up with him about 5 times because i don't like the controllingness he puts on my life but then he will cry and cry and bring me flowers and sorry cards, so i take him back. Yesterday was his birtday he told me he only wanted one thing from me and that was for me to quit. He told me if i don't it will be the worst birthday he has ever had, so i tried. I started gettting really mad because i needed a cigarette and he finally gave me my cigarettes back. I gave him 80 dollar cologne and 70 dollar shoes for his birthday and he still said it was the worst he has ever had cuz i didn't stop smoking. He then told me that if i gave him oral and anal he would forgive me. I gave him oral for a few minutes then i stopped cuz oral isn't my thing. and we attempted anal but it just hurt too much, so we didn't. So he is mad about not getting his way on his birthday. He tells me my happiness means more to him than anything and i told him i can't be happy without cigarettes but thats an exception to him. He is now going around calling me smokey to my face, and names related to smoking cigarettes. I just don't know what to do anymore. Yes we do have good times together we go out to eat and movies frequently but i feel as if he has a controling problem.. someone help please |
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Posted by shelby Saturday, December 12, 2009 19:40:55 EST |
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| Four years and counting...is it time to move on? | Message #59 |
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Please forgive me, this is going to be long. I just need to get this off of my chest. Any advice that would bring clarity would be so much appreciated.
I have a loving 12-year old daughter. About six years ago, her dad and I separated. The split was amicable and we share custody. I spent the next few years healing and getting in touch with the self that I had buried, and eventually began thinking of what I wanted in my next relationship. I fell head over heels in love with a man four years ago. About a month after we met, he told me was married but that he and his wife had decided to end their marriage a few months before we met. Though we hadn't been intimate, I was shocked and disappointed. I offered to stay in touch here and there until he was officially separated from his wife and out of the house. We fought about it quite a bit, I vascillated quite a lot, and to this day, I sometimes regret that I didn't stand my ground. I was taken aback by his anger and, because I liked him so much, I agreed to move forward with the relationship and tried to make the best of the situation. He swears he wasn't unfaithful by being with me and I believe him (about 95%) though I had an extremely difficult time dealing with it. He moved out about eight months later and divorced a year after that. Shortly after we met, he wanted my then 8-year old daughter and I to meet him and his youngest (9 year old) daughter for an evening out. I told him I didn't feel comfortable because he was still living with her mother and I thought it would cause confusion and resentment. He got angry and accused me of trying to tell him how he should raise his children (he has two adult daughters from his first marriage; a teenage son and his youngest daughter from his second marriage). Again, I backed off. The four of us met on a few occasions until his wife told him that she didn't feel comfortable with he and their daughter spending time with me and mine while he was still living in the house. I was relieved but at the same time upset that he didn't listen to me when I voiced my misgivings. It wasn't until year three when he really started to include me in family activities with any of his children. Until that time, I felt excluded and that our lives were compartmentalized. This too, was the cause of many fights. Also in the first few months of our relationship, problems with his son started to escalate. He found out that his 14-year old son, who was failing in school and had angry, violent outbursts, had been using Meth and other drugs. These problems existed before we met, but came to light shortly thereafter. In addition, I slowly began to realize that I was in a verbally abusive situation. Needless to say, there was much pain, turmoil and upheaval in the first few years of our relationship. However, after a lot of drama and effort (and 5 rehabs for his son and therapy for us), things seem to have settled down. His son is now 18 and lives with him full-time. Though he doesn't work and is not showing any signs of being able to live independently, his behavior has improved immensely and he doesn't appear to be using (drugs) to the extent that he was previously. The youngest daughter (now 13)lives with her mother and sees my boyfriend every other weekend or so, but being very driven, she has a busy schedule which keeps them from seeing each other on a regular basis. Recently, my boyfriend said he'd like to talk about making a plan to live together in 1 1/2 to 2 years from now. I was surprised at the amount of resentment and frustration that welled up inside me. I wanted a healthy relationship and home environment for my daughter and I. I had wanted to make a life with someone; to make a new family with a man I loved. I told him from the beginning what I was looking for in a relationship. I know it's irrational, but I am so angry that it has taken four years to get to this point, and that it has been so painful. I feel that I have waited and waited...for him to move out, to get divorced, to have enough time after the divorce to deal with the emotional issues in his marriage, to have enough time for his two younger children to adjust to the new living situation... Now, I'm looking at waiting another 1 1/2 to 2 years for something that may or may not happen. I'm angry at myself for waiting, for not being clear and focused on my own and my daughter's well being and failing to act in our best interest. I told him about my frustration and resentment, and that I didn't want to talk about making a plan to live together in a year and a half when we have no idea what shape his son will be in. I have no reason to believe that his son will be ready to live on his own by that time. To this day, my boyfriend hides his cash and valuables so that his son won't steal them; it's clear that his son cannot live with my daughter and I. Even if we are able to take the next step to live together, what will my life be like? I don't know if I'll ever feel completely safe because of the past verbal abuse, and I feel uncomfortable with some of his family dynamics. It seems that within each set of children from each marriage, there is a child who can do no wrong and a scapegoat, the oldest and youngest being the golden children. Interestingly, they have been cold and rejecting (the youngest) and passive-aggressive and rude (the oldest) in their behavior towards me. His youngest daughter has never warmed up to me to the extent that both my daughter and I feel uncomfortable in her company. I understand why - she may feel that I caused the breakup, she may be jealous and feel that I'm taking her dad away from her (when he was married, he and his ex had a cold and contentious relationship but he was warmly affectionate and doting on his daughter). I see her maybe once every four to six months at most. He spends the majority of his time with her one-on-one, or he will include his oldest daughter and the three of them will do dinner, movies, vacations and other activities together. I feel a little crazy, because on the one hand I feel excluded and resentful, and on the other hand, I don't have any desire to be around her. My boyfriend says that she won't necessarily always behave this way, but I see no indication that things will get better on their own. I reach out, but get the cold shoulder. I can't help but wonder if she harbors resentment because she knew her dad and I had a relationship while he was still living with her mom. She's too young to understand the emotional intracacies of living under the same roof with an estranged spouse while working out the logistics of splitting up. I can't help but wonder...if he really fell in love with me and wanted to be with me, why didn't he want to make sure that things started off on the right foot? Why did he push for a relationship with me even when I voiced my extreme discomfort, and why didn't he think about how the relationship would affect any future relationship I might have between his daughter and I? I thought about all those things, and expressed them to him in the beginning of the relationship. He got angry and defensive, and I gave in. Now I regret it and wish I had been stronger. I've since asked him those questions, but have not received an answer that I can fully comprehend. As for the oldest daughter (she's 31), she has never warmed up to me either. She makes underhanded remarks almost every time we meet and he has finally admitted that "there may be something" with his daughter's feelings toward me, based on her behavior. When he and I met, he and and his oldest daughter had a very close relationship. They were confidants and companions. It seemed as though his daughter was the spouse and his wife was just another child. The closeness of their relationship actually gave me the creeps. It has since toned down, and he treats me as his partner and equal and has drawn some emotional boundaries with his daughter. I have a better, though still budding, relationship with his second daughter and his son. Both were accepting of me from the beginning. I reached out to them, and unlike the other children, they reached back. His second daughter just recently said that she had never seen her dad happy before...until he met me. Aside from being sweet and reassuring, it affirmed my belief that part of the reason why she accepted me was because she saw how her dad had changed and is a much happier person now. I wish I could say the same for his oldest daughter. My gut tells me over and over that she is jealous of the relationship that my boyfriend and I have. Should I stay with a man that I love and care for, who loves me? Yes, I want to make a life and family with a man that I love, but can I have the relationship and family life that I long for with this man? I love and care for him. We have each grown so much as a result of this relationship. He has so many qualities that I had been looking for in a life partner, and it is clear that he loves me. If I do stay, I believe he will continue to compartmentalize his life, leaving my daughter and I to spend time alone with his oldest and/or youngest daughters. I understand they each need time alone with their dad, but will we ever be able to integrate and live as a family? Will I be able to withstand the pain of the rejection and undercutting by his daughters? I honestly don't see things changing for the better and based on conversations I've had with my boyfriend, I don't know how much support I'll have. His second wife had a bad relationship with his two oldest daughters and she's the one who's been blamed for it entirely. That could be my fate too. I understand that they are his children, so there's a bond for life. I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings. A part of me feels as if I've wasted the last four years getting caught up in this situation and wonders if I should get out now that the fog has cleared. Another part of me believes that even the pain served a purpose and I'm a better person as a result. I don't know if I'll find someone that has as many good qualities or is as compatible with me. I don't know if I should stay and continue to try to work things out, realizing that no situation is perfect and stepfamilies can be difficult and challenging at best. Am I expecting too much, or settling for much less? |
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comments (0 so far) |
Posted by mojopin Monday, November 09, 2009 07:48:26 EST |
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Have your say! Should mojopin Stay In or Get Out of this relationship? |
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| Four years and counting...is it time to move on? | Message #58 |
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Please forgive me, this is going to be long. I just need to get this off of my chest. Any advice that would bring clarity would be so much appreciated.
I have a loving 12-year old daughter. About six years ago, her dad and I separated. The split was amicable and we share custody. I spent the next few years healing and getting in touch with the self that I had buried, and eventually began thinking of what I wanted in my next relationship. I fell head over heels in love with a man four years ago. About a month after we met, he told me was married but that he and his wife had decided to end their marriage a few months before we met. Though we hadn't been intimate, I was shocked and disappointed. I offered to stay in touch here and there until he was officially separated from his wife and out of the house. We fought about it quite a bit, I vascillated quite a lot, and to this day, I sometimes regret that I didn't stand my ground. I was taken aback by his anger and, because I liked him so much, I agreed to move forward with the relationship and tried to make the best of the situation. He swears he wasn't unfaithful by being with me and I believe him (about 95%) though I had an extremely difficult time dealing with it. He moved out about eight months later and divorced a year after that. Shortly after we met, he wanted my then 8-year old daughter and I to meet him and his youngest (9 year old) daughter for an evening out. I told him I didn't feel comfortable because he was still living with her mother and I thought it would cause confusion and resentment. He got angry and accused me of trying to tell him how he should raise his children (he has two adult daughters from his first marriage; a teenage son and his youngest daughter from his second marriage). Again, I backed off. The four of us met on a few occasions until his wife told him that she didn't feel comfortable with he and their daughter spending time with me and mine while he was still living in the house. I was relieved but at the same time upset that he didn't listen to me when I voiced my misgivings. It wasn't until year three when he really started to include me in family activities with any of his children. Until that time, I felt excluded and that our lives were compartmentalized. This too, was the cause of many fights. Also in the first few months of our relationship, problems with his son started to escalate. He found out that his 14-year old son, who was failing in school and had angry, violent outbursts, had been using Meth and other drugs. These problems existed before we met, but came to light shortly thereafter. In addition, I slowly began to realize that I was in a verbally abusive situation. Needless to say, there was much pain, turmoil and upheaval in the first few years of our relationship. However, after a lot of drama and effort (and 5 rehabs for his son and therapy for us), things seem to have settled down. His son is now 18 and lives with him full-time. Though he doesn't work and is not showing any signs of being able to live independently, his behavior has improved immensely and he doesn't appear to be using (drugs) to the extent that he was previously. The youngest daughter (now 13)lives with her mother and sees my boyfriend every other weekend or so, but being very driven, she has a busy schedule which keeps them from seeing each other on a regular basis. Recently, my boyfriend said he'd like to talk about making a plan to live together in 1 1/2 to 2 years from now. I was surprised at the amount of resentment and frustration that welled up inside me. I wanted a healthy relationship and home environment for my daughter and I. I had wanted to make a life with someone; to make a new family with a man I loved. I told him from the beginning what I was looking for in a relationship. I know it's irrational, but I am so angry that it has taken four years to get to this point, and that it has been so painful. I feel that I have waited and waited...for him to move out, to get divorced, to have enough time after the divorce to deal with the emotional issues in his marriage, to have enough time for his two younger children to adjust to the new living situation... Now, I'm looking at waiting another 1 1/2 to 2 years for something that may or may not happen. I'm angry at myself for waiting, for not being clear and focused on my own and my daughter's well being and failing to act in our best interest. I told him about my frustration and resentment, and that I didn't want to talk about making a plan to live together in a year and a half when we have no idea what shape his son will be in. I have no reason to believe that his son will be ready to live on his own by that time. To this day, my boyfriend hides his cash and valuables so that his son won't steal them; it's clear that his son cannot live with my daughter and I. Even if we are able to take the next step to live together, what will my life be like? I don't know if I'll ever feel completely safe because of the past verbal abuse, and I feel uncomfortable with some of his family dynamics. It seems that within each set of children from each marriage, there is a child who can do no wrong and a scapegoat, the oldest and youngest being the golden children. Interestingly, they have been cold and rejecting (the youngest) and passive-aggressive and rude (the oldest) in their behavior towards me. His youngest daughter has never warmed up to me to the extent that both my daughter and I feel uncomfortable in her company. I understand why - she may feel that I caused the breakup, she may be jealous and feel that I'm taking her dad away from her (when he was married, he and his ex had a cold and contentious relationship but he was warmly affectionate and doting on his daughter). I see her maybe once every four to six months at most. He spends the majority of his time with her one-on-one, or he will include his oldest daughter and the three of them will do dinner, movies, vacations and other activities together. I feel a little crazy, because on the one hand I feel excluded and resentful, and on the other hand, I don't have any desire to be around her. My boyfriend says that she won't necessarily always behave this way, but I see no indication that things will get better on their own. I reach out, but get the cold shoulder. I can't help but wonder if she harbors resentment because she knew her dad and I had a relationship while he was still living with her mom. She's too young to understand the emotional intracacies of living under the same roof with an estranged spouse while working out the logistics of splitting up. I can't help but wonder...if he really fell in love with me and wanted to be with me, why didn't he want to make sure that things started off on the right foot? Why did he push for a relationship with me even when I voiced my extreme discomfort, and why didn't he think about how the relationship would affect any future relationship I might have between his daughter and I? I thought about all those things, and expressed them to him in the beginning of the relationship. He got angry and defensive, and I gave in. Now I regret it and wish I had been stronger. I've since asked him those questions, but have not received an answer that I can fully comprehend. As for the oldest daughter (she's 31), she has never warmed up to me either. She makes underhanded remarks almost every time we meet and he has finally admitted that "there may be something" with his daughter's feelings toward me, based on her behavior. When he and I met, he and and his oldest daughter had a very close relationship. They were confidants and companions. It seemed as though his daughter was the spouse and his wife was just another child. The closeness of their relationship actually gave me the creeps. It has since toned down, and he treats me as his partner and equal and has drawn some emotional boundaries with his daughter. I have a better, though still budding, relationship with his second daughter and his son. Both were accepting of me from the beginning. I reached out to them, and unlike the other children, they reached back. His second daughter just recently said that she had never seen her dad happy before...until he met me. Aside from being sweet and reassuring, it affirmed my belief that part of the reason why she accepted me was because she saw how her dad had changed and is a much happier person now. I wish I could say the same for his oldest daughter. My gut tells me over and over that she is jealous of the relationship that my boyfriend and I have. Should I stay with a man that I love and care for, who loves me? Yes, I want to make a life and family with a man that I love, but can I have the relationship and family life that I long for with this man? I love and care for him. We have each grown so much as a result of this relationship. He has so many qualities that I had been looking for in a life partner, and it is clear that he loves me. If I do stay, I believe he will continue to compartmentalize his life, leaving my daughter and I to spend time alone with his oldest and/or youngest daughters. I understand they each need time alone with their dad, but will we ever be able to integrate and live as a family? Will I be able to withstand the pain of the rejection and undercutting by his daughters? I honestly don't see things changing for the better and based on conversations I've had with my boyfriend, I don't know how much support I'll have. His second wife had a bad relationship with his two oldest daughters and she's the one who's been blamed for it entirely. That could be my fate too. I understand that they are his children, so there's a bond for life. I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings. A part of me feels as if I've wasted the last four years getting caught up in this situation and wonders if I should get out now that the fog has cleared. Another part of me believes that even the pain served a purpose and I'm a better person as a result. I don't know if I'll find someone that has as many good qualities or is as compatible with me. I don't know if I should stay and continue to try to work things out, realizing that no situation is perfect and stepfamilies can be difficult and challenging at best. Am I expecting too much, or settling for much less? |
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comments (0 so far) |
Posted by mojopin Monday, November 09, 2009 07:47:09 EST |
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Have your say! Should mojopin Stay In or Get Out of this relationship? |
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| Four years and counting...is it time to move on? | Message #57 |
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Please forgive me, this is going to be long. I just need to get this off of my chest. Any advice that would bring clarity would be so much appreciated.
I have a loving 12-year old daughter. About six years ago, her dad and I separated. The split was amicable and we share custody. I spent the next few years healing and getting in touch with the self that I had buried, and eventually began thinking of what I wanted in my next relationship. I fell head over heels in love with a man four years ago. About a month after we met, he told me was married but that he and his wife had decided to end their marriage a few months before we met. Though we hadn't been intimate, I was shocked and disappointed. I offered to stay in touch here and there until he was officially separated from his wife and out of the house. We fought about it quite a bit, I vascillated quite a lot, and to this day, I sometimes regret that I didn't stand my ground. I was taken aback by his anger and, because I liked him so much, I agreed to move forward with the relationship and tried to make the best of the situation. He swears he wasn't unfaithful by being with me and I believe him (about 95%) though I had an extremely difficult time dealing with it. He moved out about eight months later and divorced a year after that. Shortly after we met, he wanted my then 8-year old daughter and I to meet him and his youngest (9 year old) daughter for an evening out. I told him I didn't feel comfortable because he was still living with her mother and I thought it would cause confusion and resentment. He got angry and accused me of trying to tell him how he should raise his children (he has two adult daughters from his first marriage; a teenage son and his youngest daughter from his second marriage). Again, I backed off. The four of us met on a few occasions until his wife told him that she didn't feel comfortable with he and their daughter spending time with me and mine while he was still living in the house. I was relieved but at the same time upset that he didn't listen to me when I voiced my misgivings. It wasn't until year three when he really started to include me in family activities with any of his children. Until that time, I felt excluded and that our lives were compartmentalized. This too, was the cause of many fights. Also in the first few months of our relationship, problems with his son started to escalate. He found out that his 14-year old son, who was failing in school and had angry, violent outbursts, had been using Meth and other drugs. These problems existed before we met, but came to light shortly thereafter. In addition, I slowly began to realize that I was in a verbally abusive situation. Needless to say, there was much pain, turmoil and upheaval in the first few years of our relationship. However, after a lot of drama and effort (and 5 rehabs for his son and therapy for us), things seem to have settled down. His son is now 18 and lives with him full-time. Though he doesn't work and is not showing any signs of being able to live independently, his behavior has improved immensely and he doesn't appear to be using (drugs) to the extent that he was previously. The youngest daughter (now 13)lives with her mother and sees my boyfriend every other weekend or so, but being very driven, she has a busy schedule which keeps them from seeing each other on a regular basis. Recently, my boyfriend said he'd like to talk about making a plan to live together in 1 1/2 to 2 years from now. I was surprised at the amount of resentment and frustration that welled up inside me. I wanted a healthy relationship and home environment for my daughter and I. I had wanted to make a life with someone; to make a new family with a man I loved. I told him from the beginning what I was looking for in a relationship. I know it's irrational, but I am so angry that it has taken four years to get to this point, and that it has been so painful. I feel that I have waited and waited...for him to move out, to get divorced, to have enough time after the divorce to deal with the emotional issues in his marriage, to have enough time for his two younger children to adjust to the new living situation... Now, I'm looking at waiting another 1 1/2 to 2 years for something that may or may not happen. I'm angry at myself for waiting, for not being clear and focused on my own and my daughter's well being and failing to act in our best interest. I told him about my frustration and resentment, and that I didn't want to talk about making a plan to live together in a year and a half when we have no idea what shape his son will be in. I have no reason to believe that his son will be ready to live on his own by that time. To this day, my boyfriend hides his cash and valuables so that his son won't steal them; it's clear that his son cannot live with my daughter and I. Even if we are able to take the next step to live together, what will my life be like? I don't know if I'll ever feel completely safe because of the past verbal abuse, and I feel uncomfortable with some of his family dynamics. It seems that within each set of children from each marriage, there is a child who can do no wrong and a scapegoat, the oldest and youngest being the golden children. Interestingly, they have been cold and rejecting (the youngest) and passive-aggressive and rude (the oldest) in their behavior towards me. His youngest daughter has never warmed up to me to the extent that both my daughter and I feel uncomfortable in her company. I understand why - she may feel that I caused the breakup, she may be jealous and feel that I'm taking her dad away from her (when he was married, he and his ex had a cold and contentious relationship but he was warmly affectionate and doting on his daughter). I see her maybe once every four to six months at most. He spends the majority of his time with her one-on-one, or he will include his oldest daughter and the three of them will do dinner, movies, vacations and other activities together. I feel a little crazy, because on the one hand I feel excluded and resentful, and on the other hand, I don't have any desire to be around her. My boyfriend says that she won't necessarily always behave this way, but I see no indication that things will get better on their own. I reach out, but get the cold shoulder. I can't help but wonder if she harbors resentment because she knew her dad and I had a relationship while he was still living with her mom. She's too young to understand the emotional intracacies of living under the same roof with an estranged spouse while working out the logistics of splitting up. I can't help but wonder...if he really fell in love with me and wanted to be with me, why didn't he want to make sure that things started off on the right foot? Why did he push for a relationship with me even when I voiced my extreme discomfort, and why didn't he think about how the relationship would affect any future relationship I might have between his daughter and I? I thought about all those things, and expressed them to him in the beginning of the relationship. He got angry and defensive, and I gave in. Now I regret it and wish I had been stronger. I've since asked him those questions, but have not received an answer that I can fully comprehend. As for the oldest daughter (she's 31), she has never warmed up to me either. She makes underhanded remarks almost every time we meet and he has finally admitted that "there may be something" with his daughter's feelings toward me, based on her behavior. When he and I met, he and and his oldest daughter had a very close relationship. They were confidants and companions. It seemed as though his daughter was the spouse and his wife was just another child. The closeness of their relationship actually gave me the creeps. It has since toned down, and he treats me as his partner and equal and has drawn some emotional boundaries with his daughter. I have a better, though still budding, relationship with his second daughter and his son. Both were accepting of me from the beginning. I reached out to them, and unlike the other children, they reached back. His second daughter just recently said that she had never seen her dad happy before...until he met me. Aside from being sweet and reassuring, it affirmed my belief that part of the reason why she accepted me was because she saw how her dad had changed and is a much happier person now. I wish I could say the same for his oldest daughter. My gut tells me over and over that she is jealous of the relationship that my boyfriend and I have. Should I stay with a man that I love and care for, who loves me? Yes, I want to make a life and family with a man that I love, but can I have the relationship and family life that I long for with this man? I love and care for him. We have each grown so much as a result of this relationship. He has so many qualities that I had been looking for in a life partner, and it is clear that he loves me. If I do stay, I believe he will continue to compartmentalize his life, leaving my daughter and I to spend time alone with his oldest and/or youngest daughters. I understand they each need time alone with their dad, but will we ever be able to integrate and live as a family? Will I be able to withstand the pain of the rejection and undercutting by his daughters? I honestly don't see things changing for the better and based on conversations I've had with my boyfriend, I don't know how much support I'll have. His second wife had a bad relationship with his two oldest daughters and she's the one who's been blamed for it entirely. That could be my fate too. I understand that they are his children, so there's a bond for life. I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings. A part of me feels as if I've wasted the last four years getting caught up in this situation and wonders if I should get out now that the fog has cleared. Another part of me believes that even the pain served a purpose and I'm a better person as a result. I don't know if I'll find someone that has as many good qualities or is as compatible with me. I don't know if I should stay and continue to try to work things out, realizing that no situation is perfect and stepfamilies can be difficult and challenging at best. Am I expecting too much, or settling for much less? |
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Posted by mojopin Monday, November 09, 2009 07:43:45 EST |
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| Help me... Is it worth staying in my relationship | Message #56 |
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About 3 months ago I moved in with my boyfriend of 3 years. At the beginning everything was going great. But about 3 weeks ago everything changed from my perspective.
We both work long hours and he also has some recreational activities that he has during the week right after work. I go to his games and are usually together. But come the weekend when we both have to days off. He usually goes out and spends some time with his buddies. That really does not bother me, what does bother me is the fact that he comes home at 4 in morning and drunk. Due to this drinking I've felt that he has just become careless about our relationship and that the only one that is doing any type of compromise is me. On the days that we both have off we really don't spend time with each other, and the time that we do is usually just watching TV and is usually what he wants to watch. Going to get togethers with friends is a nightmare. Always with a drink in his hand and getting drunk knowing that he has to drive. I just feel that in a way I am being taken advantage off. I have told him that I have a problem with his drinking and the fact that we usually don't do anything together when we have days off. (being able to be together was the reason we moved in). Am I just a push over, or he just not realizing that he is just taking advantage of me not asking for much in the relationship. I should I be considering a break up or should I be holding on? |
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Posted by teserita Saturday, September 26, 2009 10:38:55 EST |
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| Should I stay or should I go? | Message #55 |
| I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and am starting to have some doubts. We started going out when I was 18 years old and he was my first and only boyfriend. We were also both virgins when we met. The problem that I'm having is that I feel like I'm missing out because I have never been single. I wish that I had met him later in life so that we could settle down and get married and have kids, but I'm not ready to do any of those things, so it feels like our relationship is not going anywhere. I want to be able to go to bars wit my friends and flirt with cute guys. Also he is 5 years older than me and has had other girlfriends and experienced being single so when he talks about it I feel like I should be doing those things now, not living in my own place with my boyfriend and talking about having kids. What should I do? | |
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Posted by sweet_nancy Friday, August 21, 2009 03:23:42 EST |
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| unsure | Message #54 |
| my boyfriend and i have been dating for over 2 yrs now . im ready to settle down and hes not . for the past 6 months we've been talking about getting a house and now its like he wants nothing to do with me ! we've made so many plans for our future and now after 2 yrs he thinks we're moving too fast ! i am not sure what to think about the situation ! i love him so much and i want nothing more than to spend my life with him but he doesnt want the same thing s i do ! what so i do ! | |
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Posted by unsuregf09 Tuesday, July 21, 2009 03:53:23 EST |
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| unemployeed | Message #53 |
| I met lee at a bar I was working at, a few weeks later we were in love. He was on leave, and I was going to move with him across the country so he could be in the army. I couldnt go because I joint custody and I know there would be a fight. He found a way to get out, he had only done boot camp so it was not fully commited yet. Althought yes, I felt honnored and kinda ashamed that he did that for me. He moved in with me, and worked 3 weeks and got a layoff (construction - so it was normal). He didnt give me any money for the bills, he had paid for a few dates, ect but nothing for our bills. We had some problems, that we couldnt control and we helped each other, and bonded even more. He was so great to my kids, the best dad you could ask for. Hands down the best towards my kids. I had some health issues, that putt a huge damper on our sex life, he would get upset about that, but I couldnt do anything, I didnt have insurance, and couldnt afford the test that still need to be done. A few weeks after he got laid off he got the flu, for about 2 and a half weeks, then he hurt his knee was really bad for a while (about a month) it still bothers him, but he could get by and have a job. he would say he was looking, and wasnt. I took another job that allowed me the possiblity to make more money, but I hated with a passion, it was very stressfull and I did not enjoy anything other than the money. I thought for sure then he would get a job.. no, weeks went on, it turned into about 2 months, he work again for 2 weeks, and then quit.. he gave me a SUPPER small amount of bills, which half went to his phone, so It really didnt help at all. During this time, we still had a pretty great relationship, helped me with my kids, helped with the house and cook sometimes. The best boyfriend hands down, except I couldnt get him to work. I had a big birthday and he went all out, got me everything I wanted and more.. He spent a lot of money, more than anyone had ever spent on my birthday, not only money thing, he put alot into it, it was great! It was pretty much all the money he made on his last job. Then he didnt work for about a week, went and did patch job and made some money for his son birthday. Then didnt work, and I couldnt take it.. I HATE my job, HATE, I come home crying sometimes, and its slowed down where I had to dip into my savings.. I was tryn to save to get a car, and I couldnt do it paying all the bills and his, and then the businesses slowed down a LOT. I told him you need to get a job or leave, we kinda fought about it, he left, came back later that night said he had a job, said he was going to do patch work on roofs for his friend. Well a week went by, no work. I know I can find a man that will take care of me, but I dont know If one will be like this one I have here. He said he has a job, but I could take it. I told him to leave, and It was pretty bad, he riped up a card he got me and a picture of us before I got home. I said I love you but I dont think this is going to work because I need a man that wants to take care of me. Help me, its not only the money but I hate my job maybe I could get another one if you got a job. I keep telling him, all I want is you to get a job that it.. part time! aanything, he said he gave up a good job for me, and yes he did but does that mean I have to pay for that? I kept telling him I did NOT want him to leave but I needed him to get a job!! I know if he were working I could afford a doctor, and a car! I said I think we have a great chance if you get a job but til then you need to leave....he left. And it seems as if its over but I dont want it too be! I know I could get him back but I need him to get a job.. should I keep trying or should I give up. I love him, and I want to marry him but I need to look at my future. | |
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Posted by sadnsorry Monday, July 13, 2009 03:57:17 EST |
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| What should I do? | Message #52 |
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My fiance and I have been together for two years, engaged for six months, he is 63 and I am 48. Upon our engagement and plan to marry this year I moved in with him. He has a confidante of 20 years at work with whom he shares all of his and my concerns (she is 63 also), and even tells her when we have arguments. When he is talking to her about business and I enter the room, he will cut short the conversation and hang up. They used to have a relationship very long ago. He has not wanted sex with me for over a year, and used to like kissing and holding me a lot but does not touch me otherwise at all. This has subsided recently, too, and I feel even more rejected. It seems that there is something going on but I don't know what. I cannot talk with him about it, he will get mad. When I asked him when we can plan the wedding, he gets mad also even though we had agreed on a wedding this year. He says that I need to let him take the lead and stop being pushy. He told family and a couple of his closest friends that he is engaged, but not everyone, especially at work.
Other than that he is generous, very reliable and caring, and dependable. Makes 2 or so nice dinner dates per week, nice vacations, etc. Helps me financially with whatever I need. But he gets angry when I even ask the slightest relationship question. I love this man, but don't know what to do anymore. |
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Posted by melanie Saturday, June 27, 2009 05:15:38 EST |
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