StayInorGetOut.com - Should I Stay In This Relationship or Get Out !?!

Welcome to StayInOrGetOut.com, the free relationship counselling site.

Are you in a relationship and not sure if it is time to end it? Tell us your relationship situation and let others vote on whether you should Stay In or Get Out!

HELP	Message #78
I've never been the type to fall for a guy or be able to stay in a long term relationship. This changed about 4 months ago when I reconnected with an old friend. He literally swept me off my feet and we've been dating ever since. At first everything was great-he texted me "good morning beautiful" and "goodnight beautiful" every day and never failed to tell me how much he cared about me. This all changed about a month after I left for college. Its crazy that I have a boyfriend as a freshman in college 14 hours away from home but I know he's a keeper. He plays hockey at Yale which is by my home and I admit its so hard being so far away. Lately however, he hasn't been being very nice and he's been lacking on showing his true emotions when we skype. I feel like he's holding back and I can't seem to grasp what he's thinking. I always ask him if he's okay with the way we are and he promises he would tell me if he wasn't. To top it off he gets so angry when I go out or am drinking because he doesn't drink and he has trust issues from past girlfriends. I want to stay with him but I can't decide if our fights are worth getting upset over. I'm so confused!! thanks for the help :)
comments (0 so far)	Posted by jmorgan Wednesday, September 14, 2011 22:27:23 EST

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So confused	Message #77
My boyfriend and I met online four years ago. I moved from Canada to Australia to be with him. I knew before we dated he had a TON of issues, and I wanted to help him with them. At first everything went great, we totally clicked and he told me his issues were melting away. I got suspicious that he was cheating on me with this girl he talked to online, and maybe more because he was texting constantly when we were together. I spied on him and found conversations that confirmed my suspicions and confronted him with it. Not only did he get away with it, he made me feel guilty for spying on him and not trusting him. In hind sight I see that he got so angry at me because he felt disgusted at himself for doing it, but at the time I thought I was in the wrong. From there he convinced me we needed to be in an open relationship. It was the last thing I wanted, but I didn't want to lose him, and I hoped that maybe he just needed to get it out of his system. He had relationships with other girls on and off through the years, most of them online but very few in person. It didn't matter though, I always knew it was there and I was constantly suspicious and jealous and afraid of him leaving me. I had a hard time trusting him, and opening up to him about my feelings as well. I was made to feel like I was always unjustified being unhappy because I had agreed to being in an open relationship. Whenever he was upset about anything, I would be the one his anger got taken out on, just emotionally but that is enough. Emotionally we grew apart so much, neither of us could share without getting defensive and spiteful towards the other person. Despite all this he has another side that is sweet and caring and he knows me inside and out. We get along so well, and I've always loved him and wanted to be with him forever. He's helped me grow and evolve so much as a person. He helped bring me out of my shell and overcome my shyness and helped me figure out who I am. But I don't understand how he can also hurt me so much. I know he has hurt inside him but I don't think it justifies the abuse. Recently I've got fed up, and started looking around just in case. He seemed like he was growing more and more unhappy with me and wanted to just get away from me. I met someone online and told my boyfriend about him and that I wanted to go see him, because I'm allowed to have other guys as well. He confronted me about it, and when he asked me if things went well wouldn't the other guy want to be exclusive and I said I guess so and then made up his mind that I didn't want to be with him ever again and that he had to leave because we were done, I had already made my decision. I know our relationship needs a lot of work, and this other guy made me feel good about myself for a while but I think that's all it was. I don't want to lose him but he doesn't believe that I still want to be with him. And part of me thinks maybe I should just cut in run with this new guy, because maybe my boyfriend will never change. But when I think about doing it, I cry uncontrollably, I get a nasty headache and a huge knot in my stomach that hurts like crazy.
comments (0 so far)	Posted by LynnFall Friday, August 26, 2011 04:12:11 EST

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SO CONFUSED!!!!!	Message #76
I have been in a relationship with a guy for over 7 years now. We got married back in April of 2008 and we have 3 beautiful kids together. However, only around 6 months after we were married, he cheated on me while I was pregnant with our second child; once he finally admitted to cheating on me with a few girls in August of '09, he swore he was done and wanted to be with me and would never do it again! Well, I obviously took him back (I was pregnant with our 3rd child at the time) and then while I was pregnant with her, he cheated again and I found out a few months after we had our little girl. We broke it off and I have been working on getting papers taken care of to terminate our marriage. Just about done with them finally, and now he comes begging for me back and wants to be together and has made a lot of changes. I love him, but I don't know what to do!!!! I'm scared of being alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know if I can ever trust or love him like that again! I feel like kids deserve it, but it's been 2 YEARS that he did this and so many other things and I am so betrayed and don't know if I feel the same! But at the same time we ARE still married and I was raised strict Catholic and raised to believe that you work through your issues and don't walk out of a marriage. Suggestions?
comments (0 so far)	Posted by Confused1117 Tuesday, June 21, 2011 13:17:37 EST

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Very confused	Message #75
I am in a long and complicated relationship. I have been with my guy for 3 years. He is the first relationship I had that I felt completely comfortable in from the start. He makes me feel better than Anyone I know and is always there to support me. We do everything together and I am happy with him. But it's more of an open relationship. He still does stuff with another girl. He is with me alot more than her, but it still happens. It really bothered me at first but we are in college so I got used to it. I even have done stuff with another guy here and there but recently stopped it because I just want to be with my main guy. He knows about the other one. I've told him for now I'll deal with him and the other girl but if he gets with anyone else I'm done. Then about a month ago he told me he got with a friend from home. I was crushed but took him back but swore I wouldn't stay if it happened again. Then today I find out back in October he hooked up with a third girl. And now I'm so lost as what to do. It gets worse. None of my friends like him cause they don't understand our understanding. And a few months ago they made me choose between him and them. I choose him. It really hurts that I lost my best friends for Him but I truly feel like we will be together forever. We talk about marriage and having a family all the time. But after we graduate. I don't know if I want to or can wait another year for us to be just me and him. And I'm scared that day will come and he'll pick the other girl. Lately, especially after everything I've learned today I'm not sure if I want to be with him or if I'm just scared to be alone. Because if I lose him I'll have nothing. I already lost my friends, he's all I have left other than my family who lives 2 hours away from me. I do love him more than the world and when were good I am the happiest I've ever been. But I'm scared. I just really need outside opinions because I am at a crossroads. I don't know what's best for me and if I just stay or go. But if I go we will probably never speak again and he's my best friend so that upsets me. But if I stay I risk getting hurt, again. Please help.
comments (0 so far)	Posted by Nirvana7 Sunday, May 08, 2011 21:39:05 EST

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Breaking the camel's back	Message #74
I'm ambitious, driven, and easily stressed. He's laid back to a fault, relaxed, and very rarely gets upset. We tend to bolster each other in areas we lack - he gets me to chill and I pester him to get things done. I just don't know if this dynamic is going to work forever. I've had hints that he's preparing to propose - he's asked me to keep my birthday weekend free and I overheard him and his mom discussing something that sounded like wedding registries. The problem is... my heart says "OH HELL YES DO IT" and my brain says "Waaaaaait a minute here." Little backiground: He spent five years working with only 1 college course to get his degree because he couldn't bear the idea that his family and friends might find out he didn't actually graduate. It wasn't until I came along and gave him the money to take a course that he was able to finish. And now... I realized that he hasn't filled out the forms to graduate yet, and he's probably going to fuck it all up if I don't do something. It's things like this that make me worry. I have enough on my plate (writing my Master's thesis, applying for doctorate programs, working in a high-paced high-responsibility lab environment) without having to utterly manage someone else's life for them. I schedule all the appointments, do all the bills, and generally keep things running. Just like how my mom had to take care of everything my lazy dad wouldn't do. sigh. The problem is... he's sweet, wonderful, considerate, romantic, gorgeous, amazing in bed, loves me dearly, is happy to jump up and help out whenever I ask him... but I always have to ask. He rarely notices things without me pointing them out. I guess it just feels unequal, and I don't know if our dynamic will work for years to come. I mean, I want to try... but I also don't want to add to the divorce rate down the road.
comments (0 so far)	Posted by mcsquee Monday, February 28, 2011 13:17:02 EST

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Boyfriend moving away	Message #73
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 11 months. As background, he has a daughter who will turn 5 in January. His daughter lives in a different state (far away) with her mom (his ex-girlfriend). He has been unhappy lately and would really like to be able to see his daughter more. He decided he will move out there to do that. I really care about and love him (and he loves me), but I am unsure whether I should continue in the relationship for a number of reasons. Continuing in the relationship would mean that I would need to 1) have a long-distance relationship, which I don't really want to do, or 2) move out there to that "far away" place with him. However, I will not move out there unless I am completely sure he is the one for me. A few things that are bothering me about our relationship are: 1) He will likely move in w/ his ex-girlfriend and daughter for awhile before he finds his own place. He talks to his ex-girlfriend daily, often about things unrelated to his daughter. One time his daughter visited him where we live and his ex refused to let me see his daughter, even though my boyfriend and I were planning on having me meet his daughter. He did not stand up for me. Instead, he invited me to the park to see his daughter one day but did not want us to interact because he was afraid his ex would find out that I met her. I was really hurt by that (and I've told him). In short, I am not sure if his loyalties lie with me or with his ex. 2) His value system is very different from mine, politically and morally. 3) He has lied to me about his smoking habits. 4) He comes off as a coward. Instead of trying to get custody of his daughter (which he would have no problem doing, given his ex's track record w/ illegal drugs), he seems to be a pushover. He will do anything to make sure he stays on his ex's good side. I have talked to him about all these problems. Unfortunately, the problems still exist. Please help me. I really love him but he is disappointing me lately and I am really hurt that he won't open up to me about his plans when he moves away and hurt that he doesn't explicitly include me in those plans. Should I leave him?
comments (0 so far)	Posted by onthefence9 Sunday, December 26, 2010 14:29:30 EST

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Please answer please, thanks in advance	Message #72
Me and my boyfriend have known eachother for almost 3 years now but we only just got together 4 months ago. Although it's a cyber thing atm and hes miles away he made me so happy just getting a phone call off him made my day, he's all i needed and no hes not an old perv i see him on cam everyday, i talked to his parents on the phone hes talked to mine too. To be honest he does make me feel special he makes me happy and i could see us settling down... but then today my lesbian friend was making out he is just the same as all my exs and all other guys saying that he'd not be able 2 stop himself if other girls start flirting, i wanted to prove her wrong. I wanted to show off i'm right and she's not so i let her try it she pretended to be really upset and told him some people had been calling her names and stuff then she asked him if he thinks shes pretty and he said she was very pretty After she showed him a photo of her in her undies and asked if he thinks shes fat he said no and then she asked if he thinks people will enjoy doing sexual stuff with her aswel as if he would and he said he would! Its really shocked me i just don't know what to do i feel humiliated i made out he wouldn't do anything like that. He says he was trying to make her feel happy i shouted at him about limits asking if he'd mind if it were me saying it to his friend, he even cried when i said i think its over. He's honestly a good man but i just so disappointed and embaressed by this... should i stay or should i go?
comments (1 so far)	Posted by Innocentlyme Tuesday, October 19, 2010 19:26:03 EST

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What do I do?	Message #71
I live with my girlfriend of 3 years. The last year I have lived with her, in a place she owns outright. At times we get along great, at times it's like oil and water. She is great with my child and always has been. When child is around, everything is great. When child is not, we are unhappy and fighting 50% of the time. The fights stem from me having a few beers after work, not doing enough around the house, not being as financially secure as her, etc. I work and have worked constantly. If I could find a 2nd job worthy of doing PT I would take it, but right now it's just my FT. She goes to school FT and is working towards her doctorate. She is about 5 years younger than I, I have no college education, as I have worked FT since the knowledge that I was having a child. I took my ex to court to ensure I see my child every summer, since she moved out of state within a year of the childs birth. I come from a considerably poorer family than she. While I understand that her parents worked hard for their status, and mine kinda pissed away life, I feel like I am doing the best I can with the tools available at the current time. I love her, I'm sure she loves me. I would like to ask her to marry me, but a 1ct diamond ring just isn't in the near future, and that's what she's expecting. I fear I'm staying for the wrong reasons and not leaving because of fear, but what do I know so I turn here instead.
comments (0 so far)	Posted by discreetdan Tuesday, August 31, 2010 18:45:45 EST

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What is too much??	Message #70
I am currenly involved in going on a 3 year relationship. My boyfriend and I first met when he was my older brother's best friend. At the time of our first meeting, I was just getting out of an abusive relationship and he was very understanding. We grew even closer when my brother attempted suicide and moved away to join the Marines. So to say the least, we have been through some tough times together. However, he is 23 and I am 19 now and I'm unsure if I can keep us together anymore. It's not that he is a bad boyfriend, in all honesty, he does pretty much everything right. He cooks and cleans and takes me out to movies and dinner dates. He always invites me to hang out with his friends. He doesn't look at internet porn, never goes to strip clubs, and has no other girl's phone numbers in his phone. He always makes sure I'm happy, he protects me, opens doors and carries me across puddles. With all that said, you are probably wondering what I'm even writing this for... He lies. ugh.. I've caught him numerous times facebook messaging this girl that he used to have feelings for, calling her "goodlookin" and saying that he thinks about her often. She messaged back and said they should hang out since she is moving to our hometown. I found this message in September and told him either he blocks her and stops talking to her or he can pack up his stuff because I wasn't going to deal with it. Well a few days ago I found out that he was emailing her instead of facebook messageing so that I wouldn't find out. He even went so far as to hide her messages in a bill folder online!! He has been lying this whole time and there was even another one of his exes, whom he told he had dreams about her all the time! I don't think he would ever cheat but keeping things behind my back and saying those things make me wonder how we are going to work.. He says that I should trust him, and to prove that he is done he deleted his facebook and his email just so that I would talk to him. He admits that he messed up and that he is going to try harder if I would just give him a chance. But I'm not sure if I can give him another chance.. How am I supposed to be with him when I'm wondering if he is thinking or dreaming about other women?
comments (0 so far)	Posted by ChelseaJo Friday, July 30, 2010 17:09:14 EST

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Wonderful relationship with minor concerns...	Message #69
I've been dating a wonderful girl for about a year now, but I'm wondering if I'm in it for the right reasons. Here's the briefest back story I can offer. I met my girlfriend in high school, but we were just friends during that time. I believe that she held a little bit of interest in me at some point, but I never reciprocated. We stayed really good friends in college as well, even while I had several different girlfriends, it never bothered her. I went through a rough spot in my life, got dumped by my girlfriend, spent a long time staying home, drinking far too much and never going out. She managed to coax me out of hiding for which I am very grateful. At some point, things changed to a romantic light, and we suddenly, spontaneously decided that we should date. Things progressed between us very rapidly (sexually speaking), but I feel like part of the emotional connection isn't there for me. I've always loved her as a good friend, but I'm still not "in love" with her. At the same time, because my last girl treated me poorly, I'm very afraid of (and you could even say actively against) falling in love. This doesn't worry me too much, because I feel that the enduring love is the type of love I have for her, where she is very important to me and I care about her very much, not that she makes me get butterflies in my stomach. She is a loving and kind girlfriend, and we have a ton of things in common and get along REALLY well! For all intents and purposes, it is a perfect relationship. The problem is that although her personality and mindset are what I look for in women, her physique is not. Simply put, I really don't find her very physically attractive at all. That's not to say she isn't good looking, but simply that she's (physically) not my type. At the risk of appearing shallow, I'm concerned that the relationship may turn out poorly in the future because of this. I sometimes feel like it is unfair to her (and me) when I'm not very interested in sex, kissing, etc. while she is VERY interested. Because of what happened to me in other relationships, I am faithful to a fault, meaning I would never ever cheat on her. At the same time, if any attractive women approach me with interest, I can't help but to find myself wishing that my girlfriend looked like them, or that I could simply be with a woman I am more attracted to. Whenever I think about the possibility of breaking up with her, the first thought in my mind is how much it would hurt her. I truly do care about her, I have known her for 9 years, and I really do want the best for her. I'm wondering if I sometimes think about leaving because these other girls who approach me are exciting or if I really just don't find my girlfriend attractive enough to stay together. At the same time, I wonder if I stay more because I love her and don't want to hurt her than because I want to stay. I know that this just sounds like I'm whining about a great relationship, but I keep getting hit by this gut feeling that I should leave, whereas there is never a gut feeling that I want to stay. Any ideas?
comments (1 so far)	Posted by StarSniper Tuesday, May 18, 2010 01:08:41 EST

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Lost Lost Lost	Message #68
Hey, I�m 20 years old, in my 2nd year of college and proud of it. I�m extremely dedicated to school and an overachiever. I want to be successful in life and make some wise decisions. However, I have a boyfriend who is going of the opposite way that I am. We have been dating for 6 months now, and the first 3 months were fine. I felt butterflies and it was just a fairy tale to me. He got to know me more than anyone does, even my darkest secrets, and he accepts me for it (well kind-of, because he brings it up a lot, but he has been trying not to). The only problem is, I�m not sure I feel the same way as I did before. He is constantly telling me how he feels and how beautiful I am, and that is all I�ve ever wanted in a man, someone who appreciates me. We even talk about marriage quite frequently, and how we wish we could just do it already. But deep down inside I�ve been having very strong doubtful fears about this relationship. We are very different sometimes, and we are constantly arguing. I feel like I am being selfish with him by holding on to him, but not really knowing how I truly feel. Sometimes I feel like we should just be friends. Sometimes when I think of the two of us breaking up, I feel a sense of freedom. Sometimes I feel like I can�t really be my true self with him because I feel like he will judge me. And last but not least, sometimes I�m just not sexually attracted to his body, but I love his personality! He has influenced me to change in positive ways, but I also feel trapped by him at times. Am I just afraid of being lonely or am I just going through common temporary issues in a relationship? He is a wonderful man, anything a girl could ask for, but I don�t know if he is the one for me, and I am scared to never find a man as good as he is later on in life�Ughh.. Should I stay or leave???
comments (0 so far)	Posted by smartcrazyBR Friday, April 23, 2010 15:38:27 EST

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Not sure what to do	Message #66
I am a 23 and have been with the same man on and off for almost six years, we started dating when I was in high school and he was head over heels in love with me, but I was not mature enough to handle the relationship and we broke up. He moved 500 miles away and we remained friends, I dated someone else while I finished high school, but when I started college we reconnected and started a long distance relationship. It went really well considering the distance for about two years, then I started suspecting that he was cheating, did some snooping, but never found anything solid, my paranoia got the best of me, so I continue to snoop until I found something questionable. We would fight about it and then make up, eventually it got to be too much and we broke up. We have been broken up for the last year and a half, but it has not been a clean break, we still talk once a week, visit each other and tell each other "I love you". I have tried dating and met some great people, but no one who meets the standards of this man that I am in love with. Recently, we have gotten serious again, talking about me moving to where he is, working on our relationship and getting married. When we are together things are great. I couldn't imagine finding a more loving, caring, generous man. I still have trust issues and worry that while he is so far away that he is dating/being with other women. We talk about it and he is generally pretty open and honest about what he is up to. I haven't moved closer to him yet, because he just moved to a new state, still 500 miles away for work and does not want to ask me to give up my life here (I have a great job, am going to school for my masters, my own apartment, great friends and am close to my family) if he is not sure if he is going to stay there. (His other option is finding a job closer to me). He says he needs 6 months to really get a feel for the new place and if he wants to stay. At which point if we continue to the way we are then he would ask me to move closer to him and we can begin the normal progression of the relationship, dating, engagement marriage. I love him and no matter how hard I have tried I have not been able to get over him, but need an opinion am I just wasting my time? Should I just walk away and if it is meant to be it will happen, or stick out the next six months and then possibly move in with him?
comments (2 so far)	Posted by jennKRN Wednesday, February 24, 2010 22:32:55 EST

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